Warning: What follows is a stream-of-consciousness rant about life balance that is important for all moms.
I saw a friend a couple weeks ago. And before I get too far, I want to say that she’s a quality gal. I love talking with her, and we have a lot of common plights in business ownership, homeschooling, and life. She’s no whiner.
When I saw her, she was dragging, so I asked how she was doing. With a huge sigh, she says: “I just need balance. I am really praying for balance.”
How many times have you heard people (usually women, and almost always moms) craving “balance?”
Everyone. All the time.
Well, it turns out that I think life balance is a farce. It’s an unattainable goal.
Balance suggests that all things will get equal, and adequate amounts of time and energy. Balance suggests that all things will therefore have satisfactory results.
In fact, the word “balance” is derived from the measuring device with the same name. Balance implies equal weight.
Yeah. I would bet a cute puppy that all things will certainly NOT get equal or adequate amounts of time and energy.
And that’s ok.
It’s ok because all things do. not. have. equal. weight.
It’s ok because only the most important things need to get satisfactory amounts of our time and energy. We don’t need life balance! We need priorities, and we need enough self-confidence, and boundaries to stick with our priorities and eschew this fanciful notion of balance for all things.
Giving less important things the same weight as the most important things is:
1) insulting to the most important things, and
2) a shortcut to overwhelm.
Hugging your children every morning and night may be a top mothering priority worthy of reworking your time and energy plans. However, cooking 3 dozen cupcakes for a bake sale (instead of just writing a donation to the PTA) on the other hand, may not actually be a priority. And, we can all be cool with that (unless you make the best cupcakes in town, of course).
But, then we throw around this idea of balance, and suddenly, we doubt ourselves, because society has given us this crazy idea that we should do everything. That we should balance everything.
Think about it. When we say that baking cupcakes isn’t a priority, we have other demanding things going on… no problem.
But, if someone makes us question how we are “balancing” our life, now it’s as though we aren’t “balancing” parenting enough because we didn’t bake 3 dozen cupcakes. Cupcakes, schmupcakes. It’s not a priority. Kick it off your to-do list.
To make it simple: Be done balancing. Be confident in prioritizing. Know that you are prioritizing whatever is right, pure and lovely.
Yes, that is a little reference to Philippians 4:8. Holla!
We were never meant to do everything. I know this because we are not good at everything. And, we don’t get excited about doing everything – even some things that are exciting to others. So stop acting like you should be balancing everything!
There will always be more you could do (or even “should” do), but there is only one you. You have to choose what gets your time and energy. Choose wisely, and please, do not make everything equally important.
And even within your priorities, some things will be higher priorities than others. And some things will take higher priorities at certain times. What is most important may change each day, week, month, or year. **This is the opposite of balance, whose actual definition is “equal distribution of weight.”**
There are plenty of things I could do, or that I have done well in the past that I simply don’t do now. There will be times in my life when those other roles are appealing, but they are not my priorities now… and that has to be ok.
For my sanity, for the peace within my home, for the young girls we are raising, that has to be ok.
The fact is, choosing wisely where we make our impact is powerful. Life balance is much less so.
So, how does one start shifting to a prioritized life?
Here’s a quick way to assess your day…
Ask if you’re excited about doing each thing you do. Can you get excited about it?
I’ve had a sign in my room for years: In big capital letters one day I wrote: ARE YOU THANKFUL TODAY? ARE YOU EXCITED TODAY?
It wasn’t enough to me to just be thankful for everything I have in a day – although I confess that that is the best starting point for happiness. But, I wanted more. I wanted to be excited about my day. I wanted to wake with a bounce in my step, eager to start.
I don’t like the idea of just surviving a day. Breathing through a day does not sound nearly as appealing as breathing in the day, right?
Fast forward a few years. It hits me. To be excited about my day, I have to fill it with the things that I am excited about!
To be excited about my day,
I have to fill it with the things that I am excited about!
Duh. It seems so obvious. I pride myself on being deliberate and intentional with my life, but yet I had never prioritized excitement. I was too busy prioritizing the laundry list of “shoulds.” That’s nothing but a one-way ticket to burn-out, I tell ya.
>>Read More: Best. Advice. Ever. Prioritize. <<
I was so over-tasked when I had this revelation, that even the things I was excited about had become chores. I mind-numbingly went from task to task to task, trying to “balance” (read: accomplish) everything, and enjoying nothing. I was so focused on what else I “needed” to get done and how I was going to fit it all in, that I didn’t appreciate the task at-hand.
I was laying next to my little princess at bedtime, wondering how long I should stay because there were dishes to do, and bank accounts to reconcile, and worksheets to print, and phone calls to return. The anxiety was setting in while I relaxed with a snuggle.
Then, I wondered, could I get excited about laying with my daughter at bedtime?
YES!
I love it. Bedtime is not a chore.
But in the effort to “balance” mothering with all of my other tasks, I lost sight of the things I get excited about being a PRIORITY. Bedtime snuggles are not just another thing required for life balance – they are a most important thing!
The chatty phone calls? Not excited. Sorry, I’m an introvert. Kicked off the list.
Worksheets? I’ll print them if I have the time during school hours… and if I don’t have the time, it means we don’t need them.
That weekly commitment? I can’t get excited about it. Can I get rid of it?
Already, the air is clearer, and I can snuggle up and do my most important things well.
When we evaluate our time and our energy from the driver’s seat; when we really examine what makes life exciting, lovely, and honorable; when we put first things first and create boundaries to exclude the time and energy suckers, we create a life that is not balanced. This new life is decidedly unbalanced – weighted down and overflowing with things that are enjoyable, and memorable, and right. It is dense, and heavy, full of good stuff. This new life is lacking many “shoulds,” and a lot of guilt. An unbalanced life is what we were all meant for.
When we evaluate our time and our energy from the driver’s seat; when we really examine what makes life exciting, lovely, and honoroable; when we put first things first and create boundaries to exclude the time and energy suckers, we create a life that is not balanced. This new life is decidedly unbalanced – weighted down and overflowing with things that are enjoyable, and memorable, and right. It is dense, and heavy, full of good stuff. This new life is lacking many “shoulds,” and a lot of guilt.
An unbalanced life is what we were all meant for.
So, how much of YOUR time and energy is spent trying to balance things that aren’t priorities? Just today I kicked some unnecessary “shoulds” off my list that had crept in. What can you kick off your list? What are you most excited about? What are you least excited about? What do you do just because you “should?” Join the conversation below…
If you are homeschooling, and feeling overwhelmed, I wrote a book about how I changed my life by changing my mindset.
Minimalist Homeschooling: A values-based approach to maximize learning and minimize stress by Zara Fagen, PhD
Wishing you all the simple things,
Zara
